If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Randomize
