He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
