I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
