I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
