we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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