my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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