You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
