oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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