My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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