I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
