I met the friendliest cop last night
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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