You made me cry and you don't even care
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
