That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
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I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
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I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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