There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Houston, we have a squirter
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
