Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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