not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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