Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
These tits shall not be calmed
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
