dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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