this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Everything about him screamed your future.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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