You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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