I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Randomize
