remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
