so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
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Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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