Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize