Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
