I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
