Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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