It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
