he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
