Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
