cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
