You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
