are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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