Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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