I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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