Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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