I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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