I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
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