Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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