Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
