we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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