Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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