Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
jump out the window naked night went bad
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
