grandma shit on top of the toilet
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
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It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm having to shit out rocks
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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