I wanna bring you to show and tell
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
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What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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