he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
