Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I cannot find my penis.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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