mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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