Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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