If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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