too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
