She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
