its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
