she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
