I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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