HIV tests are more positive than that guy
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
